By: Heather Wright
Are you like me and have occasionally been challenged by your children, spouse or colleagues that you are texting while they are speaking to you? Or maybe someone has done it to you. Even in this time of slowing down, with fewer opportunities to cram our schedules and stretch ourselves thin, this still may be something we find ourselves doing. Being a good listener takes energy and intention.
In our church I recently had the opportunity to teach on the art of listening. We discussed the value and importance of listening as a reflection of how we love people in our lives. Despite having been a therapist and minister for a quarter century, whenever I teach about listening, I am convicted about how much more I can grow in being a better listener. It is a skill that needs constant attention and practice to maintain and improve.
As people of faith, many of us believe in a God who listens to people. We can be good listeners, because God models it to us. Growing in faith is a process of learning to listen to God through Holy Scriptures, in prayer, through God’s Spirit’s direction and the many other ways God works to get our attention in life. We were designed for relationships with God and with others. Those connections are the lifeblood of our existence, bringing meaning and joy. They reflect who we are at our best.
As our church group’s discussion came to a close, I thought about how listening well has so many applications to our civic lives as well as our spiritual ones. If we were better listeners to our culture, particularly people that disagree with us, we could be bridge-builders and reconcilers of our divided nation.
Towards that end, there are two quotes from the 19th century that have ministered to me. The first is from Walt Whitman (recently quoted in Ted Lasso for those who have watched the series), “Be curious, not judgmental.” That phrase has encouraged me to try to imagine how each side of our bitter cultural divide might move forward if they were curious and not judgmental of one another. Both are expressing dissatisfaction with the status quo, both may be feeling unheard, taken advantage of and that they are standing for justice, even if they vehemently disagree with one another. They may actually have a great deal in common and yet in the here and now are diametrically opposed.
The second quote builds on the first. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote, “If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s (person’s) life, sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.” He is inviting us to see beyond what we don’t like about others or whatever makes them our enemies and to imagine their story that led them to where they are today. What might have caused them to act, think or react like they are? What hurt, pain or longing is behind their motives and decisions? What do they believe and what can I learn from them? As we see that person’s humanity, as one made in God’s image, it calls to mind our own limitations, failings and imperfections as well. In the process of imagining their pain, we become more gracious.
Before you sit across from a person you disagree with and try to listen to them, I invite you to an exercise that may encourage some heart transformation. We all have walls of defensiveness and prejudgments that shut down our ability to be present to and listen to others. Here is what I would like you to ask yourself. Whoever is your enemy or opponent on the other side of whatever matters to you, no matter how strange or wrong their perspective may seem to you, can you be curious? Take a moment to suspend judgment. What might it be like to prayerfully imagine the person/people you trust the least (in today’s political context that may include many factions), and ask God to open the eyes of your heart to what that person or group may need? What is behind the actions and words that you find misguided or even dangerous? As you do so, a softening may come as you peel back your fear and mistrust. Your prayerful imagination may even lead to a sense of compassion. When that happens, you experience the power of love as stronger than the bondage of fear.
These are risky moves to be willing to see our enemy as someone that might be worth our time, attention, even care. If we try to practice listening, hearing what is deeper than the words spoken, we will become more welcoming to others who are different. We can be people who extend grace and kindness, which is a spark that is not easily extinguished. It can be contagious and multiple. This change happens person to person. You and I have a part to play in healing our nation and repairing our world. Let’s be curious together.
