By Kate Noonan
For the last few months the following prayer echoes through my meditation : I believe, help me with my unbelief. It seems like an oxymoron and it may be, but it is my reality. I am a believer and a doubter. When you read this column I will be wrapping up a week in London where I am dropping my youngest at University College London as a first year student. As I sit at JFK writing, part of me knows that this week and even this semester will be a great success for my child while much of me wonders, will it really be alright?
Transitions are unnerving and life is full of them. At times of doubt, fear and uncertainty I actively, sometimes desperately, look for inspiration. I turn to those who have felt worry, fear or doubt in their lives yet their faith blossomed despite that heaviness. Julian of Norwich, an anchoress, lived in Norwich, England c.1342-c.1416 and is the author of Revelations of Divine Love. Her work often serves as a touchstone for me when I feel as if the challenges of life are too much to bear. You may be familiar with one of her most famous quotes: “All shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.” These words came to her in a divine revelation on May 8, 1373. These revelations became the basis for her writings. She is hailed as the first woman to write a book in English which has survived to this day.
Julian’s life was fraught with difficulty. She lived during a pandemic, most likely lost all of her family during the black plague and chose to literally wall herself off from the world. The phrase all manner of things shall be well was not a pithy phrase but one that was revealed to Julian after she had argued with God. This famous quote doesn’t make it into the book until chapter 26. In my imagination I picture Julian in conversation with God sharing her greatest sadness and worries, her heartbreaks and opening up her broken heart. Perhaps a few times during these conversations she complained: “But God, I’ve lost my family, nothing has gone to plan and honestly, it feels quite far from all manner of things being well.” If she didn’t voice these types of frustrations I assure you I have voiced my complaints to the Almighty. On more than one occasion I have said aloud, eyes and arms up to the heavens: “Really this is the best plan for today?”
The reality is I do not know the best plan or results for my life. Some of the toughest situations I’ve endured have become the most validating. It serves me to keep the faith, do the footwork and leave the results up to God.
I will continue to pray: I believe, help me with my unbelief because it is a true reflection of my spiritual journey. My faith dwells in an evolutionary state, growing, sloughing off what is not necessary and finding new points of connection. My faith is a living, growing entity. I need to nurture this gift, invite God into my life, ask for direction and be willing to sit in the uncertainty of life. The truth is most everything has worked out, maybe not exactly according to my plans, but rather well nonetheless. Life goes on, it’s easy, glorious, difficult, always morphing into something new and most often all manner of things are well.
Kate Noonan is Pastoral Associate at St. Ignatius Loyola NYC, and Spiritual Life Coach in Greenwich, CT
