By Lockey Coughlin
After a long winter, I finally had a little time to sit in the sun this afternoon. It felt so good! Still, I only spent about 10 minutes in the full sun. By the end of the summer, I will be able to spend a good hour or two without fear of getting burned. Baby steps; regular graduated baby steps. The same is true of exercise, learning a new skill, or any other transition, really, if comfort is key. Go too fast and you become very uncomfortable very quickly.
How do you transition your child into a post-COVID world? This is a question that has been discussed quite often over the last month or so. Now that the northeast, specifically, and the United States, more generally, seems to be nearing the end of this crisis, what does the path to something resembling normalcy look like? Is it possible to take this difficult and stressful year and transition it into one that is filled with joy and learning and more possibilities than ever before?
No matter what, transition slowly back into the craziness of the world outside your door. S-l-o-w-l-y. After all, a small fraction of your life (say, 1/35th), when compared to the huge portion of your child’s life (say, 1/8th), has just been spent in a world dominated by a fear of others. No matter how you translate it or spin it, we have all been afraid to be around one another for a long time. Through the lens of a child in their formative years, this is not going to go away because the CDC says so.
As it always does with raising and educating children, the answer begins with listening. Beyond listening comes interpretation, understanding, empathy, discussion, and, finally, support. Before anything else, though, we need to listen for implied meaning to get to what our children and students are trying to communicate. We need to act as translators. Stop talking to your children, stop talking at your children. Stop lecturing, requesting, poking, and prodding. They need a haircut, or they just shaved it all off, or they dyed it purple. This does not matter. Their room is a mess, or their clothes are rumpled. Nope, do not mention it. Their mental health is of paramount importance, so just listen.
We need to listen to their young, inexperienced vocabularies and perceptions, and superimpose our own experiences onto them, to come to an understanding of how they are experiencing this return to normalcy, whatever that is. This really hit home for me last week when my son, who has suffered from depression since he was twelve years old, explained his early struggles with depression.
Today, he is a sophomore in college, double majoring in neuroscience and computer science, able to manage his own mental health with a myriad of tools that he has acquired over the last seven years. He has knowledge, education, and experience on his side. This makes him excellent at communicating his needs to those around him quickly, clearly, and concisely, but when he was twelve, the word depression was not even part of his vocabulary.
He reminded me that, at twelve years old, he would claim boredom 24-7. I, of course, offered chores as an alternative to boredom, thinking I was so clever. One of his teachers told him regularly that being bored just meant you were a boring person. That was helpful. He would try to explain, no, he was bored all the time. Tucker just did not have the words that he needed to explain how he was feeling and, as adults, we failed him miserably, not understanding that boredom, in this case, equaled depression.
Once we were fully engaged in therapy – five years later – I finally realized that the more things felt out of control, the more I wanted to be in control, and this was not an effective strategy. I was just making things worse because I was still not listening to my son. My son was telling me what he needed. I just needed to listen.
And so it is with all of our children in a post-COVID world. Every person’s experience is going to be slightly different, their needs nuanced and complicated. Watch your children for signs of stress. Check-in with them often.
Our quote today is, “If parenthood came with a GPS, it would mostly just say recalculating.” When your child seeks you out to chat or ask a question, do not seize the opportunity to wag your finger at them. It turns out that finger wagging, you might be interested to know, raises dopamine levels in the person giving the lecture. Do not give in!
Instead, listen to what your child is trying to communicate and act accordingly. I promise the dopamine that comes from delayed gratification and a happy kid will surpass the finger wagging tenfold.
After listening comes interpretation. You may need to sit on what was said for a few days, or ask an admired friend or therapist for advice, but you will eventually come to understand what your child is trying to tell you. Try then to understand what is the root cause of the issue? This will require some reflection. “Oh, I remember”, might be the signal of an aha moment. Following this step is, hopefully, empathy, a moment of recognition that you have also felt this way at some point in your past. Another discussion with your child to make sure you are both on the same page, and, finally, support, which may or may not require the assistance of a professional.
For a person to learn, no matter their age, they need to feel safe, they need to be well-fed, they need to feel physically well. It helps if they feel supported and are generally relaxed and happy. Look to your child’s other needs first and they will zoom right along academically. They have not lost a year. Kids catch up very, very quickly when given the resources that they need to do so. A private tutor that they connect with or a teacher that they love will work miracles if their foundational needs are addressed.
Remember to build in what we have learned from the pandemic in a joyful and supportive way. Ask your child if there was anything they really enjoyed about this last year. Almost every child I have spoken with notes more time with mom or dad. Reassure them that you will still make time to spend with them regularly and show them how and when. Sometimes a weekly family game night or movie night will do the trick. Or maybe Sunday brunch. More time outside? Build that into their schedule. More time to read. Ditto. A lot of good has come from our forced slow down. Embrace it! Leave the rat race to the rats.
