How to Keep Doors Open

conceptualimageofwhiteopeneddoor-perspective

By Lockey Coughlin

“Keep as many doors open as possible.” This is one of my favorite education metaphors. I visualize this as a child in a round white room, no walls, just French doors all the way around, and every door is wide open. Each door represents an avocation for the child – artist, healthcare worker, engineer, researcher, musician, environmentalist, New Skete brother or sister. Certainly, the hope for children born in developed countries is that, upon their birth, every door is wide open; no choice is out of the realm of possibility for them. Granted, this is not always the case and that is another conversation, but for our purposes, in Fairfield County, CT, the doors are all open. Our job as parents and educators, then, is to keep them from closing, allowing children the gift of choice.

One of my teachers at Education without Walls, Monica Hruschka, recently related to me a conversation she had with her grown daughter. With a PhD in Agricultural Economics, a master’s degree in secondary education, and an undergraduate degree in biology, Dr. Hruschka is very well educated. She is fluent in German, plays the violin, and has spent years traveling the globe. Even so, her daughter recently asked a question she could not answer. The question? “If everyone wants a better life for their children, where does it end?”

When we initially discussed this question, I also was flummoxed. Where does it end? What is good enough? Is that really what we are talking about here? After a couple of days of reflection, I decided that, for me, it is all about choice. Giving your children a better life is not about bigger houses or faster cars. It isn’t about having better toys or more leisure time. It is about providing your children with more choices, more control over their own lives. Schools, friends, occupations, living arrangements, vacation destinations, life partners, and on and on. We naturally equate choice with happiness.

Change your mind, and then change it again. Explore the options, have fun with it. Imagine a three-year-old checking out a new space. That curiosity, that joy in new discoveries is glorious. So, how do we maintain the breezes in the round room? How do we keep all those doors open? We prepare. Money helps, of course, but in my experience, nothing beats an excellent education. Build a life for our children that prepares them for unmitigated, joyful discovery of their world, while also building one that prepares them for many eventualities.

Teach them to think for themselves, to solve problems on their own. Encourage questions and curiosity. Arm them with the ethic of hard work, but also of working smart. Model the forging and maintenance of relationships for them. Teach them to appreciate the things that make each of us unique in ourselves and in others. Show them the power of a strong and vibrant community, as well as the importance of strong communication skills. This, my friends, brings us to your child’s school, cohort, homeschool co-op, or play group.

As parents, you must make time to lead by example and support your child’s educational community. Show up for orientation, talk with your child’s teachers, and school leaders. Check in often with these incredibly influential individuals. You need them and they need you. Listen to what they have to say. Encourage them to be forthright and honest in their assessments of your children. Advocate for your child in the best way possible, by supporting their educational mentors, peers, and community; and allow your children, whenever possible, to advocate for themselves.

That last one bears repeating. Allow your child to advocate for themselves. If they have a question or concern involving their educational community, opportunities, or just what is on the lunch menu, encourage them to address this themselves. You might want to stand right next to them, but please do not speak for them. They need this practice.

Remember to emphasize hard work over natural talent when they have achieved an honorific. “You must have worked hard on that A paper, congratulations!” for example. Remember to emphasize the need to learn math even if they think a calculator is enough. Reading is important. A liberal arts education will inform almost any path they choose. All these things will help to keep doors open, but the most important one is strong communication skills. Acting helps with exchange of ideas, as does visual art, creative writing, and dance, all of which are excellent ways to connect.

Improv classes are excellent for positivity and quick interaction training: “Yes, and …”

Mostly, though, just talking with other people (not through an app) is the best way to improve this skill. Post-quarantine, this is a great place to focus your parental energy. I used to have my kids where funky hats whenever we went out – they are a great conversation starter. Pins on jackets work the same way. Anything that allows for a quick comment and response. Whatever your trick is, encourage conversation, communication, and personal interaction. Computers off, phones down, doors open, lights on, heads up. Let’s talk!

Lockey Webb Coughlin is the Founder and Director of Education without Walls, LLC, located in New Milford, CT, a small private educational program serving children 11 – 19 years of age. She is the President of Webb Youth Services, a 501(c)3, whose mission is to assist children with mental health and anxiety issues. 

Lockey is a ridiculously proud mother of three children, all of whom she homeschooled through high school. Two are currently in college (Skidmore and Connecticut College) and the oldest recently graduated Suma Cum Laude with her BFA in Musical Theater.

Related Posts
Loading...