The Power and Limits of Choices

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Providing opportunities for young children to make choices, appropriate for their age and development, allows children to develop responsibility, creativity and problem-solving skills. It also can be a useful tool for defusing power struggles and allowing children to feel a sense of control.

In the world of a young child, most decisions are made for them since they are so young and need constant guidance and supervision. Such is parenting. Parents decide what and when children will eat, what clothes they wear, when they will take a bath and brush their teeth, when they will wake up and go to bed, etc. Providing children small choices in their lives can allow a child to gain confidence in their ability to make choices and feel their value as an individual.

Offering choices can also be a helpful tool for parents and caregivers in preventing or defusing power struggles. Some children become defiant when they have not choice or control over a situation and do not want to do what is requested of them. For example, many children do not like cleaning up when playtime is over. Instead of asking the child, “Can you please clean up?” to which the answer will likely be “no,” try saying, “It’s time to clean up to get ready for dinner. Would you like to clean up by yourself or would you like me to help you?” This implies not cleaning up and continuing to play is not an option, but the child has a choice to clean alone or with your help. While dressing in the morning, which can be a challenging chore for many parents and caregivers, try saying “It’s time to get dressed. Do you want to wear blue pants or black pants?” instead of saying “It’s time to get dressed. Can you please put your clothes on?” Posing a question/request while giving a choice permits children to feel a sense of perceived control in a world where they have very little control and independence. It also enables them to feel valued and contribute to a decision while still doing what needs to get done.

Empowering children to make important decisions or to always have choices has become a trend in modern parenting. Although choices can have a positive impact on your child’s development, it is important to understand the types of choices that are appropriate to offer to children considering their age, development and maturity. Always offering a choice or offering choices that are better suited for adults can result in challenging consequences in the long run. Children can develop a sense of entitlement and be unable to cope when they are not given a choice. A trusted caregiver or parent offers children a sense of security and safety as they are unable to make most decisions for themselves. Giving children choices too advanced for their age can be overwhelming for children and blur the lines of who the authority figure is – the child or the parent. If children are used to always having a choice, trying to set restrictions or limits as the child grows up enters their pre-teen and teenage years can be disastrous and nearly impossible.

Offering choices too frequently can result in children expecting everyone to do as they request, which poorly prepares the child for the reality of life. Giving children too many choices can be overwhelming and difficult for young minds to process. Offer two choices for toddler-age children and two to three choices for preschool-age children.

It is also important to teach children that sometimes we do not have a choice. When giving your child a direction in which he does not have a choice, such as putting their seat-belt on in the car, be sure to form it as a clear statement—not a question. Saying “Ok?” as if asking a question at the end of a request implies the child must agree in order to comply, which is not always the case.

Another important life lesson we can teach children through choices is managing consequences of our choices. As adults, quite often we change our minds. However, we must deal with the consequences of our choices when we made them. This is important for children to learn as well. A parent once shared this story. She allowed her two year old child to pick what color shoes she would wear to school each morning – an appropriate choice for a toddler. However, one morning, as the mother and child were in the car and backing out of the driveway to drive to school, the child changed her mind and began whining that she did not want to wear that color shoe anymore. The parent pulled back in the driveway and went inside to get the different color shoes. This situation would have been a great opportunity to teach the child to cope with consequences. “This morning, you chose to wear your red shoes. Sometimes we change our minds about a choice we made and that’s okay.

However, we are already leaving to go to school, so you won’t be able to change your shoes right now. When you get home from school, you can change into the different color shoes if you’d like.” Always fulfilling children’s requests when they change their mind will lead the child to always expect to get their way and be unable to cope otherwise. This will in turn lead to more challenging behaviors when the child is older.

Learning to provide appropriate choices for children while setting appropriate limits is a skill that takes time to understand and learn. Doing so can greatly foster children’s socio-emotional skills and prepare them to be responsible, creative, independent and confident people.

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