By: Georgette Q. Harrison
Nothing ever prepares you to become a parent or caregiver. We may grow up thinking about how we were parented and deciding whether we want to be similar to our parents, or whether we want to parent in significantly different ways. We can all probably remember the days when we thought to ourselves “that’s the kind of parent I want to be,” or “I would never do that as a parent.” However, when you welcome a child into your family, all bets are off. What no one ever tells us is that we end up having to learn how to become a parent to that particular child. We learn that what works with one child, doesn’t work as well with another. They are, after all, different people, and parenting is an ongoing exercise in flexibility and patience.
This is not to say that you can’t develop your own “parenting style.” In my clinical role at the Child Guidance Center of Southern CT, I work with caregivers who often come to me asking “What is the right way to do this? Nothing I do seems to help.” As many parents who have sat across from me in the therapy room would know, my answer is more often than not “There is no single right way to do this. There is just the way that works for you, your personality, your parenting style, and the kind of parenting that your particular child would benefit from, given their personality and unique needs. But I want you to know that, as we figure that out together, all your child truly needs is a good-enough parent.”
The term “good-enough parent” was coined in 1953 by pediatrician Donald Winnicott after observing thousands of mother-infant pairs and noticing the significant degree of adaptation that a caregiver needs to go through when they first welcome an infant to the home. As the infant learns how to be a baby outside of the safety of the womb, so does each caregiver learn how to be a parent to this particular baby. But the kind of adaptation that happens in infancy can’t continue for very long. The endless, sleepless nights, the constant feeding and diaper changes, the acute awareness of how fragile this little child is… that is unsustainable for any caregiver in the long run.
Fortunately, soon the child develops and begins to need their caregiver in different ways. The good-enough parent realizes that they don’t need to be so closely attuned to their child and they don’t need to smooth the road before them. In fact, they know that small doses of disappointment and stress builds resilience, and that perfection in parenting is not only unattainable; it’s actually an endeavor that’s detrimental to the mental health of both the parent and the child.
Your child doesn’t need you to be perfect. Instead, they need you to be present in the moments that matter. Most of all, they need you to be curious about their thoughts and feelings, strong and empathetic during moments of disappointment and anger, even when they’re disappointed or mad at you. My hope for this column is that it gives you some food for thought about what type of good-enough parent you want to be for your child. As we embark on this journey together, I’ll write here what I usually say in the therapy room: You’re not doing this alone. We’ll figure this out together.
If your child is struggling and needs support, please don’t hesitate to call the Child Guidance Center of Southern CT at 203-324-6127.
