By The Rev. Marek Zabriskie
Christ Church Greenwich offers a service called “Messy Church,” designed for parents with young children. The children do art projects while the parents listen to a sermon. Later, everyone joins together for the Eucharist.
It’s been a big hit and has drawn many young families. The idea for the service came from a vicar’s wife in England, who saw the need to do something to engage children at church. What she created has spread around the world.
Messy Church is good in part because every family is messy in its own way. Jesus had a falling out with his own family. They thought he was crazy. He told the crowd, “My true brother and sister and mother are those who do what my Father in heaven wants.” (Matt. 12:49-50)
Elsewhere Jesus said, “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and one’s foes will be members of one’s own household.” (Matt. 10:34-36) That sounds grim.
In a messy family, a son is upset with his father, and a daughter won’t speak to her mother, and daughter-in-law dislikes her mother-in-law. When it comes to having enemies, we have no further to look that our own family at times.
A friend of mine worked for a fabulously wealthy CEO. Over spring break, the CEO insisted that his three young children come to his office and spend their vacation reading annual reports. My friend suggested that his boss let them play tennis, but their father wouldn’t relent.
All three sons got involved with drugs and alcohol. Two died tragically. The third destroyed his brain with drugs. We can truly make a mess of our families.
My wife used to take our children out to buy clothes. Several hours later, they returned, and they were all upset. The girls would storm upstairs with bags full of new clothes. Bedroom doors slammed. My wife explained, “Everything was fine until they got into a big fight.” This happened time and again. Indeed, each family is messy in its own special way.
As a parish priest for 34 years, I’ve seen everything under the sun – divorce, depression, financial challenges, illness, problems with school, work, in-laws, drugs, and alcohol. But I don’t have to look elsewhere to see what a messy family looks like. I’ve seen it firsthand in the family that I grew up in.
My parents announced that they were getting divorced when I was twelve years old. It was devastating news. They dragged out their divorce for nine years! Talk about messy! My father married someone much younger and started a second family. My mother had severe arthritis and battled alcohol and painkillers. We had our messy moments.
Perhaps you have had a few as well. When Jesus says, “For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and one’s foes will be members of one’s own household,” He was talking about reality.
God ever intends to set us against our family members. God intends to unite us. But God does encourage us to live our faith, and sometimes this causes division or frustration or messiness if our spouse, in-laws, or siblings don’t share our faith.
So, what can we do in order for our family to be less messy? Here are three brief ideas:
First, make attending church a family priority. Going to church each Sunday is like building a spiritual reset button into your family’s life. It allows God to be in the middle of your family and assist each family member to be a little more loving, forgiving, kind and generous than they would be if you left God out of the equation or only sporadically attended church.
You will probably hear something that is helpful that you can apply to whatever you will face for the coming week. And if you don’t hear it, a member of your family may take home something really significant.
As you worship, catch your breath and reflect, “How did we do this week as a family? What spiritual gifts do I or we as a family need to focus on?
In my second church, I had a great couple with five sons who sat like little soldiers perfectly straight in the pews. One Sunday, I asked their parents how they did it. The father sheepishly said, “We take them to McDonalds after church each Sunday. But if one of them acts out a bit, we don’t go. That’s why they’re so good in church.” Whatever it takes!
Second, figure out what values you really want to impart in your children. Then write them down and review them regularly to see how you are doing. Make sure that your spouse and you are working together to impart these values.
You might start by looking at Galatians 5:22-23, where St. Paul writes, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control…” These are great values to nurture and instill in your family – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
In the end, what matters most about us and about our children and our family is character and good values. Good grades, a clean bedroom, and success at school or work are important, but if we lack character of good values, life becomes very messy.
Lastly, spend lots of time together as a family and surround yourself with other great families. That’s what Christian fellowship is all about. We can learn by seeing how really good families operate and care for each other.
One family in our parish has four sons. They told me, “Greenwich is a Type A community, and we’re trying to raise a Type B family. We don’t want our children overprogrammed. We don’t sign them up for every activity. We want a little space between our family and the busyness going on.” Their oldest son was the last in his grade to get a cell phone.
After listening to them, I realized that they excelled at parenting. Over dinner at their home, I watched at how beautifully each member interacted with the others. It was wonderful to behold.
I’m a mediocre tennis player. But when I play with someone much better, my tennis game improves. The same is true when we spend time with great families. It lifts the way that our family functions together.
Yes, every family is a messy family in its own special way. But when God is in our hearts and Jesus is at the center of our family, we become less messy and good things happen that wouldn’t have occurred without God’s sweet love for us.
The Rev. Marek Zabriskie is Rector of Christ Church Greenwich. His wife is a practicing attorney, and they have three grown daughters.
