By Jay Briar
The start of a new school year is always a flurry of activity, from new classrooms and new teachers to new friendships and new challenges. It’s a time of fresh beginnings, but it’s also a time of significant transition for our children. As adults, we often frame this transition in terms of schedules, school supplies, and academic goals. But for a child, the experience can be much more nuanced, a complex landscape of emotions and social dynamics that they may not have the words to describe. This is where one of the most important skills we can possess as parents and educators comes into play: the ability to truly listen.
Listening to children is an art that goes beyond simply hearing the words they say. It means taking them seriously. Sometimes, that’s literal, but often it’s also figurative. Children, with their developing brains and still-forming prefrontal cortexes, don’t always use language in the same precise, intentional way that adults do. They tell us their stories in a way that makes sense to them, and it is our job to understand the context to figure out how best to help them. Taking children seriously does not mean always deferring their vantage point, but it does mean effectively listening and constructively interpreting what they have to say.
When a child comes to a parent or a teacher and says, “Beatrix made fun of me,” there’s a good chance that something hurtful was indeed said. But it’s also possible that the child felt excluded or left out, even if no outward action was taken. Both scenarios are genuine challenges that need to be addressed. If we only take the literal explanation at face value, we risk missing the best ways to support them. We might react by seeking out an apology or demanding a specific punishment, when what the child really needed was help navigating social exclusion or building confidence. The partnership between home and school is crucial in this effort. The consistency with which we approach these challenges, both as parents and educators, is key to a child’s healthy development.
Parents and teachers are partners in a child’s education and well-being. By working together, we create a stable and consistent environment where children feel safe and supported. Here are ways parents can foster this partnership and support their child’s development at home:
Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of asking “Did you have a good day?” which invites a simple “yes” or “no,” try asking, “What was a highlight of your day?” or “What was one thing that made you laugh?” This encourages children to tell their stories, providing more context and clues about their day.
Validate Their Feelings, Not Necessarily Their Conclusions: If your child says they were made fun of, you can say, “That sounds like that hurt your feelings. It’s tough when you feel left out.” This validates their emotions without necessarily accepting a literal interpretation, giving you a chance to explore the situation more deeply together.
Model Healthy Communication: Children learn by example. When you have a conflict with another adult or family member, model a calm, problem-solving approach. Show them how to express feelings constructively and find common ground. This teaches them the skills they need to navigate their own social challenges at school and beyond.
Check-In with Their Teachers: Teachers generally appreciate getting a heads up about an issue so they can be on the lookout. Instead of waiting until a problem appears to be getting worse, send a quick note with the information. “Paul reported some bad language on the playground. Just wanted to let you know in case you can keep an eye out for it.”
By truly listening and working together, we can help our children not just survive, but thrive, in the new school year.
Jay Briar is the Head of Whitby School in Greenwich which serves students from preschool through middle school, offering Montessori and International Baccalaureate programs.
