By The Rev. Marek Zabriskie
There’s a beautiful story told in the Gospel of John where Jesus encounters a Samaritan woman at Jacob’s well. They converse, and he listens attentively. His ministry is transformative. Afterwards, she told her family and friends, “Come and see a man who told me everything that I had ever done” (John 4:29).
Can you think of someone important in your life who has been a wonderful listener? What impact did or does he or she have on your life? Likewise, can you also think of someone does not listen well? How does that make you feel?
The truth is that all of us struggle to listen attentively and can improve in our ability to listen. Peter Drucker, who some call “the Father of American management, claims that 60% of all management problems are the result of faulty communications.
A leading marriage counselor says that at least half of all divorces are the result of faulty communications. Criminologists tell us that upwards of 90% of all criminals have difficulty communicating.
Part of being a great listener is giving the impression that you are relaxed enough to stop and listen to someone who needs to speak with you. That’s hard for Type A personalities.
We humans communicate by reading, writing, speaking, and listening. Schools teach the first three well, but they offer little training on how to listen well.
Yet, we spend more time listening than in any other community activity. One psychologist estimated that most of us listen with 25% efficiency. Researchers note that we can think four times as fast as the average rate of speech, which is about 125 words per minute.
Hence, while someone is speaking, we may sabotage our listening by assuming that what is being said is uninteresting, or by critiquing the speaker’s delivery, or by formulating our own reply.
We become over-stimulated when we question or oppose an idea or when our hummingbird mind whirls, withdraws attention, or daydreams.
It’s often hardest to listen to the people closest to us, because we’re so invested. When my spouse comes home and says, “I’m thinking of quitting my job.” It’s hard to listen because I’m thinking of the consequences for our family and me.
Are you known as a good listener? Sometimes, we listener well to our children, but not to our spouse. Active listening takes discipline and energy. It means stifling the desire to interrupt? At times, we must act like a burglar to get through someone’s defense mechanisms. This can be true with a spouse, a teenager, or an elderly parent.
As we grow in the skill of listening, opportunities for ministry abound. People are desperate to find good listeners. Real listening helps us to get down to a deeper level, but it requires intentional effort and concentration.
We are called to respond, not react. Reacting is an unthinking reply. “You ought to be ashamed!” Responding is an attempt to meet the speaker’s need based on our perception of the feelings he or she has communicated. “You have some very deep feelings about this.”
Responding encourages the speaker to continue, while reacting curtails the speaker from continuing. Our goal is to convey acceptance of the speaker and track him or her on both the content level and the feeling level. Confidentiality is also crucial.
St. Benedict wrote, “Listen with the ear of the heart.” Our goal is to offer a compassionate, soulful ear and to listen without becoming threatened.
In a society where we multi-task and juggle so much, listening attentively is very challenging, but it is one of the most profound ways to demonstrate that we love someone. If I sit down on the couch with my wife and give her my full attention, we feel inexpressibly connected to each other.
Those who receive the gift of active listening from us experience being cared for and loved. It will improves their sense of self-image and worth and allows them to clarify their thoughts and feelings and see what can and cannot be changed.
Unpleasant emotions can be dissipated while positive emotions can grow. Being listened to can help in the healing process and enable those to whom we listen to overcome fear and loneliness. Our relationships deepen when we can confide and be vulnerable.
We have the privilege of knowing each other more profoundly. Jesus had the ability to perceive and quickly connect with what was lovable in those who seemed unlovable to others.
In listening well, it helps to say the person’s name. This personalizes your listening. If you do not have the time to listen carefully, then say so up front, “This topic is too important for us to discuss in a rush. I want to make time to listen to you. Can we sit down this evening when we won’t be interrupted?”
Ask open-ended questions that invite broader sharing? “Was this the first time that you felt like let down by him?” Echo the speakers feelings. “You sound angry.” This helps the speaker to clarify. She might respond, “No, I’m just feeling incredibly stressed.”
Continue to explore the feelings. Under anger there is often fear. Don’t put down someone else’s feelings. People cannot control their feelings.
Mirror what you are hearing. “So, you feel that he has stopped investing in your marriage.” Your body language will reveal whether or not you are listening or interested.
Avoid me-too-ism. You may have a story that directly relates to what is being said, but if you tell your story you run the risk of taking the conversation away from the speaker.
Avoid moralizing, preaching, or being judgmental and asking direct questions to satisfy your own curiosity. “So, how did he commit suicide?”
Avoid providing solutions, offering advice, or fixing what is another person’s work to do. Men in particular do this. Avoid dispensing cheap consolation. “At least you’re young enough to have another baby.” Finally, avoid allowing yourself to fall into an argument with the speaker or analyzing or interpreting what is said.
Just listen attentively. It is an art. We can all improve our skills, and when we do it transforms all of our relationships.
The Rev. Marek Zabriskie is Rector of Christ Church Greenwich
