By Kate Noonan
How often do we get upset and stand as judge and jury of a situation irking us? I dare say many times, perhaps more times than is easily recalled. Of course you could be most reasonable and things roll off you like water off of a duck. But my memory is long and my mind is busy engaging in all sorts of internal chatter, blame and justified anger. Judgment, anger and frustration are burdensome to carry obscuring the true joy of living.
Internal chatter takes up precious time and energy in our finite lives. Resentment, regret, and upset are feelings as old as time. Modern day technology provides us with lightning speed capability to convey our feelings but few avenues to assess our feelings or our role in human interactions. Relationships are trinitarian in quality. Although, interactions may take 2, it seems there are not 2 sides to a story but rather 3: her side, his side and what really happened. It’s a tall order to put aside your own upset to truly delve into a more nuanced understanding of your own behavior. Gentle self assessment might be the exact space where we see our part clearly.
Jesus, in Matthew’s Gospel, says
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
What is the easiest way to shift towards clarity and away from hypocrisy in relationship? In other words, how do we stop circling the drain with justified anger and impaired vision? Gently utilizing Grace, boldness and humility opens the space for genuine authenticity in relationships both with others and with yourself. There are ways to get the plank out of our own eye and see more clearly.
First, I suggest getting a God box. My God box is a shoe box wrapped in gold wrapping paper tucked inside my closet. Nestled inside this box are slips of paper and post-it notes scribbled with the names of people or situations which plague me with fear, frustration, anger; fill in the blank for yourself. I’d rather not carry these burdens alone, they are heavy and need God’s grace much more than my obsessive thinking. Placing these burdens in the God box turns them over to a power greater than myself. With this act I relinquish control and open up to Grace.
Secondly, give yourself the gift of kind and honest self assessment. There are plenty of methods for self observation both within and outside of Christian beliefs. The Jesuit Examen is a five step process which consists of setting time aside each day to reflect prayerfully on the events of the day, noticing where God has been in those events and practicing gratitude. Many 12 step programs suggest a daily inventory as a method to assess your daily behaviors. This self questioning technique has you look at your day through the lens of what was good, what needs a bit of improvement and where amends may be necessary. Byron Katie, has a 1 page worksheet called The Work, which asks 4 liberating questions as a guide to self inquiry and freedom.
Finally, find an accountability partner, who you respect and trust. Report when you have utilized your God box. Try some of the exercises together or set up a check in to bookend your process. I assure you your companion can see parts of you which you may not. With genuine effort the plank is gently removed from your eye and a new vision of those around you is revealed. Jesus, as he so often does, instructs us to turn our thinking upside down and assess ourselves first to gain a true vision of those in our world.
Kate Noonan
Spiritual Life Coach
Retreat Master
Pastoral Associate St. Ignatius Loyola NYC
