By Stuart Adelberg
I’m an American hero. No need to thank me. As tempting as a parade or a star-studded television tribute seems, the warm feeling I get from helping our nation is all the gratitude I need. I didn’t set out to be a hero. In fact, when I first learned about our nation’s latest challenge it never occurred to me to jump in and become part of the solution. I guess you can call me an unintentional hero – all because of a situation that sounded at first like the subject of a Marvel comic book as opposed to a national emergency.
It seems like only yesterday that I first learned about this summer’s crisis. I was watching one of our trusted sources of information and I heard that there was a new enemy attacking our nation. The experts claimed that it would take all of us to defeat it. Initially, I was confused. It seemed like we were being asked to hit the streets and “squash” this enemy. Since I generally only listen to half of what is said on the news, I wondered if this was a real story or a rerun of Saturday Night Live. Were we really being asked to protect the nation from the Green Lantern? Next, we’ll be told that Superman has gone rogue! What is happening here???
By the second report I learned that the “lanterns” that are now attacking the nation aren’t green, but spotted red. And though they fly like super-heroes, they’re insects. Phew!! At least I knew that Superman didn’t let me down. But now I’m wondering why our nation’s leaders aren’t just bringing in the Orkin Man and calling it a day?? Apparently, this lantern bug is hardier than the average termite. And then I learned that these elusive creatures are a danger to the nation’s wine supply! Some of the worst damage they do is to grape vines. Well, that was all the encouragement I needed. I’m on it!!
So, my beagle and I set out on our daily walks to hunt and take out this dangerous scourge. If you see me on the street and it looks like I’m tap-dancing to Give My Regards to Broadway, fight the urge to applaud and know that I am simply doing my civic duty by crushing as many of these insidious creatures as I can. My current record is getting five of them with one time-step. It’s been over thirty years since I tap-danced, but it’s evidently a skill you never forget, especially when you know that a bottle of chardonnay may be at risk!!
I have wondered lately if the cure for our nation’s persistent polarization might be some event or problem that requires all of us to come together, forget our differences, and focus our energies on the greater good. Maybe this is it and perhaps this spotted lantern bug is the real hero here! Americans will never allow anyone to threaten the nation’s beverage supply! This is completely unacceptable.
If you’re interested in getting involved, I have decided to launch my own battalion. If we coordinate our efforts, we can win this war! I am offering basic tap-dancing classes and then we will spread out all over the northeast to squash these winged enemies wherever they can be found. No sidewalk will be safe from our dancing feet! For information and to contribute, check out squashthosebuggers.com. Our nation needs us. Let’s heed the call!!
Stuart Adelberg has been an active participant and leader in the region’s nonprofit world for many years. He appreciates the opportunity Greenwich Sentinel provides to share his thoughts and occasionally not so serious observations.
