By The Rev. Marek Zabriskie
Listening has more healing power than anything that I know, and the great news is that anyone can do it. Think of a time when you were truly listened to. How did it make you feel? Did you feel loved, respected, appreciated, worthy, or significant?
Now, think of a time when you did not feel listened to? How did it make you feel? Disrespected, unloved, unimportant, or unworthy?
A counselor in Greenwich told me that the number one thing that women tell her in her office is, “He doesn’t listen to me.” She added, “When you listen to your wife or daughter without answers, you literally bring back blood flow to a section of a woman’s brain that has experienced fear or anxiety. She can and needs to fix her situation on her own, but you empower her by listening.”
The German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, “The first service that one owes to others in the fellowship is listening to them.” Morton Kelsey, an Episcopal priest and spiritual writer, notes, “The first art of listening will unlock more doors into life than anything else that I can think of.
Kelsey adds, “‘Listening?’ you say incredulously. ‘And what good can it do to listen?’ The answer may sound presumptuous, but it is the truth. First of all, listening is vital because we can love only those human beings to whom we listen (and love is the heart of the spiritual way). The second reason is even more startling: No one can ever learn to listen to God who has not first learned to listen to human beings! The one who cannot listen cannot love either man or God!”
The Greek philosopher Zeno said that “The reason why we have two ears and only one mouth is that we may listen the more and talk the less.” None of us will probably ever win a gold medal at the Olympics or write the great American novel, but all of us can become a champion listener, if we apply ourselves to it.
If we do, people will seek us out, because the world is starved for good listeners. If a friend invites you to lunch or calls you in order to speak to you about a problem, or if you visit someone in the hospital, do not fret about what you are to say.
You never have to say something brilliant. The key is to show up, to listen attentively and compassionately, and to be fully present.
Can you think of someone who was a great listener in your life? A man who met the great psychologist Sigmund Freud described Freud’s listening style by saying, “Never had I met such concentrated attention. But the attention that he gave me, his appreciation of what I said, even when I said it badly, was extraordinary.”
The Bible is a story book about people listening to God and to each other. Moses listened to God speak to him on Mount Sinai. Elijah heard God speak in the still small voice. Eli told the boy Samuel to respond to God, “Speak Lord for your servant is listening.” After Job lost his children, animals, and wealth, his friends came and spent the first seven days listening to him.
Jesus was a consummate listener. He asked great questions to elicit thoughts and feelings and then listened attentively: “Do you want to be healed?” “Who is your husband?” “Why do you sleep?” “What do you have to eat?” “Who do people say that I am?” “Why do you call me good? Peter, do you love me more than these?”
His questions uncovered feelings, motives, and intentions. Jesus listened with his ears, but also with his compassionate heart. Most of Jesus’ ministry began by listening or seeing and recognizing a need.
Jesus listened at the wedding of Cana of Galilee when his mother said, “They have run out of wine.” Jesus listened to the Syrophoenician woman. He listened to the Samaritan woman at the well, whom he had no business listening to. Jesus listened to the blind Bartimaeus, who called his name. Jesus listened to the centurion, who explained that his daughter was gravely ill.
Jesus repeatedly said, “Those who have ears to hear, listen!’ One of the most frequent commands in the Bible is, “Hear.” Here are some steps to help us become better listeners:
Make an intentional decision to listen and focus on the speaker. Find an appropriate place and time to talk. Be sure that you have enough time. Be quiet and allow the speaker times of quiet since sharing often follows silence. Your body language will communicate that you are listening.
Begin by listening to the content level. Restate some of the content of what you have heard being said, by “mirroring” or “paraphrasing” in a natural way. “It sounds like you were completely blindsided and that you cannot trust him anymore.”
Avoid asking too many questions. Active listening is not an interview. In an interview, the interviewer has control. In active listening, we let the speaker remain in control. Some questions are fine. For example, “Could you say more about that?” “Can you explain what you mean by that?”
As you hear emotional tones, reflect them back to the speaker. The primary tones are: mad, glad, sad, scared, excited, shame, etc. You can reflect back by saying, “You sound really afraid.” Or “I can tell how angry you are.” Or, “You must be thrilled finally to have your first grandchild!”
Continue to invite the speaker to explore his or her feelings, being careful not to probe. At times, below the surface feelings, there may be additional feelings (under anger there may be fear). Respect the speaker’s privacy. Refrain from pressing the speaker too deeply.
Try not to get ahead of the speaker or jump to conclusions. When second guessing occurs, active listening slows down. Your role is as facilitator, not as a problem-solver or an analyst.
When the speaker is finished, help bring the sharing to a close. For example, “Thanks for sharing. I will be thinking of you.” Or if appropriate, “I will keep you in my prayers.”
Douglass Steere, a wonderful Quaker spiritual writer and former Haverford College professor, wrote, “To ‘listen’ another’s soul into a condition of disclosure may be the greatest service that any human being ever performs for another.”
The Rev. Marek Zabriskie is Rector of Christ Church Greenwich and someone who is working to become a better listener.
