By Rev. Shannon White
Back in 2012, I started writing my book, The Invisible Conversations with Your Aging Parent, mostly based on stories from a pastorate I had just left in Greenwich. As I began conducting interviews with people in the field of eldercare and those many brave people who love day in and day out, caring for their loved ones, I knew I needed to have more conversations with my OWN mother. You might call it a kind of a “practice what you preach” scenario. Then, at age 75, she had just undergone major surgery. Over 15 years before then, she had asked me to be her Health Care Power of Attorney, and had sent me her forms to keep on file. Since all of this information about having conversations was fresh in my head, I decided to ask her right out: “Am I still your health care power of attorney?” She quickly responded, “Well, I didn’t want to tell you, but I changed it this time around (to one of my other sisters).” “OK,” I said quickly. Then I asked, “How come you didn’t tell me?” She said, “I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”
Evidently, I had created a situation where my mother hadn’t felt that she could tell me she had changed her mind. This was a great opportunity to help ease her mind, to encourage her to be able to tell me what she wanted and needed, and to let her know that whatever she decided about her life and her care in the future was OK with me. It was even better than OK. It was the right thing to do.
I slowed myself down and said, “Mom, as I talk with other people about their experiences, they seem to think that the best way to do things is to let everyone in the family know what your decisions are, and why you’ve made them so that there isn’t any confusion either now or later. If you have changed your mind about my being your health care agent, that’s fine with me.”
She asked, “Do you want to know why?” I was a bit stunned at her forthrightness, but I said, “Sure.” She explained her reason, and then we talked for a little bit about how she made her decision. I monitored my internal reactions very carefully. I wanted to be very supportive of her and said, “Mom, please don’t ever feel you’re going to hurt my feelings over any of your decisions. I’m OK. I’m an adult. My job as your health care proxy would only be to make sure your wishes were carried out.”
It can be strange and awkward to live in the middle of invisible conversations. We forged through that one because we were both willing to have it. I brought it up, and she was honest with her answer. The result was deeper intimacy and trust. The Gospel of John says, “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.” I have found this to be true, even if it causes discomfort at first.
We ended the conversation that day a bit closer, having been a bit more real with each other. There would be many more conversations we would need to have along with my three sisters as she continued her life. In a way, by continuing to ask her questions at the right times, I got to know parts and sides of my mother I had never known. We still had some of the sweetest years ahead of us all the way until her death a year and a half ago.
Research shows “nearly one-third of adults in the U.S. have a major communication obstacle with their parents that stems from a continuation of the parent-child role. That same dynamic, and others, can come into play as well for older adults dealing with their Boomer children.” (caregiverstress.com)
We communicate with others through conversations. They are spoken and unspoken. They are verbal and nonverbal. They are visible and invisible. I use the term “Invisible Conversations ™ to describe all of those conversations which are not communicated with the intended person or people. Oftentimes these conversations stay up in your head and never come out of your mouth.
These invisible conversations cover most sensitive topics with which we are uncomfortable, due to their nature. They deal with emotionally charged issues such as: sex, money, intimacy, religion, values, culture, patterns of behavior, and end of life decisions, just to name a few. Invisible conversations may deal with the past, present or future. They may last for a few minutes, or they may last for a lifetime. Invisible conversations happen between those closest to us and those whom we barely know. But they cost everyone involved.
Some examples of when these invisible conversations may come to the surface include: When adults begin to see their parents declining and becoming more frail; When you, as a parent, get a life-altering diagnosis; When there are questions about how Dad’s care will be handled and by whom; When the question is raised over where Mom will live; When there is struggle over caregiving responsibilities or future inheritance between siblings; When Dad wants to date again after Mom’s death; When death is nearing, and there are unresolved issues from long ago.
I am interested in the topic of invisible conversations, but specifically in this context: the invisible conversations between you and your aging loved one or you and your adult child, not only because of my own experiences with both of my parents but also because, I have been an ordained minister for over 32 years. As a parish pastor, a hospital chaplain, and nursing home chaplain, I have been a witness to countless families living and loving life together, eventually reaching the aging and dying processes together. I have walked through this journey with extraordinary individuals who are living fully as they age, and many who faced the end of their lives. Some have done it with joy and peace, and others with some reluctance and struggle. I have also stood by adult spouses, adult children and caregivers as their loved ones have received diagnoses, and courageously fought long or short-term illnesses. I have been privileged to stand around the bedside as last words have been spoken with a beloved. I have also had the incredibly sensitive role of telling families their loved one has died.
Throughout my ministry, I have been with families who have been able to say everything they needed to say along the journey of life, and others who have had multiple invisible conversations, some of which have been in operation for decades.
Jon Greenleaf Whittier, American Quaker poet from the 1800’s once said, “For of all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: ‘It might have been.’”
I have found that those who have the tools to express their feelings, their needs and their desires are better able to deal with the aging and dying processes both in the short and long term. This is true for the aging parent or spouse as well as family members, caregivers or friends.
In his book, The Four Things That I Remember Most, Dr. Ira Byock, talks about the families with whom he has had interactions as a palliative care physician. Sometimes the families he sees have only a few minutes or hours before their loved one is going to die, and so he suggests using four simple phrases to guide your conversations: “Please forgive me, I forgive you, Thank you, and I love you…”
So, what do YOU need to say?
At 3pm on April 30, we will be discussing many of the options open to families during these times at “Tools For Aging Well,” Round Hill Community Church. All are welcome.
Rev. Shannon White is the Pastor for Spiritual Devlopment at Round Hill Community Church. She is the author of 2 books, including, The Invisible Conversations with Your Aging Parents, and will moderate the panel for “Tools for Aging Well” on April 30.
