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On my watch – Considering the care and concerns of our adult children this Christmastide

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By Anne. W. Semmes

I recently read a moving essay in Natural History magazine entitled “Ode to an Apple Tree.” The author who lives in Maine tells of her seasonal appreciation of her apple tree, of all the joys and discoveries it brings to her. But all along she neglected to prune it. And one stormy, windy night she lost it. “I was too proud of it,” she concludes, “to give it a sensible, cautious pruning.”

Yes, I was too proud of my daughter from the day she was born, to realize what she needed from her parents in order for her to survive. She has had and continues to have a rocky road in her life. So, I was drawn to a recent talk at my church on “The Art and Power of Parenting Older Children,” by Jill Woolworth, a marriage and family therapist at the Greenwich Center for Hope & Renewal.

I was drawn to Jill four years ago when I wrote about her book, “The Waterwheel” of 64 common concerns, creatively laid out with images, “a playful approach” that “helps many people deal with life in creative, less fearful, and unexpected ways.” A story Jill told me then especially resonates today. Babysitting during her single days, her boyfriend came to help out. “And he was so kind with the little boy in the highchair,” Jill said, she determined she wanted that boyfriend to be the father of her children. After 45 years of marriage and three daughters Jill recently lost her boyfriend-husband Rick (and I met Rick – he oozed with kindness). In those years Jill came to believe she told, “that the single most important quality to look for in a partner, or a colleague, or a friend, (and I would add as a parent) is kindness and it often shows up in actions or words that people don’t think are visible.”

Jill spelled out in her talk many kind ways we can be with our adult children. But I must begin with some valuable parental wisdom I learned from her book that she calls a “grace sandwich.” Imagine you identify something troubling in your adult child. Begin with affirming something they have done you appreciate as the first slice of bread. Follow with your “hard message,” then end with the other slice of bread of affirmation, “of your confidence in him or her to do the right thing.” I’ve tried it and it works.

Jill began her talk with, “What our kids need most at all ages is non-anxious presence. Our world is awash in anxiety…To be the best parent you can be, put your faith first, along with all the practices that support it. Perhaps you meditate, sing in the shower, pray, exercise, walk in nature, look at art, journal, hit golf balls, create things, or listen to music. When we create places and moments of stillness, solitude, and silence in a noisy world, the peace of God and the knowledge we need to parent our children comes to us.”

“Some of you walked in here with fear about a certain situation with one or more of your children,” she continues. Yes, she’s talking to me. “Fear is essential for survival, but it is triggered in 2/100ths of a second, and it is not calibrated. Our brain has the same response for tsunami coming at us as it does to a rude child…I have seen 80-year-olds learn to respond instead of reacting…The greatest gift we can give our children of all ages is a non-anxious presence.”

“Our fear can keep our kids from flourishing,” she notes. “When we snowplow, lawnmow, or helicopter over our kids, especially our adult kids, it can keep them from taking responsibility for their own lives. If we are afraid our children will fail, or die, or get divorced, or whatever, which, of course, we are – our fear can get in the way of their owning their own decisions. We don’t mean to, but when we say, ‘I am concerned about you,’ we are communicating that we don’t have full confidence in their ability to navigate life. What they hear is that they are not competent or capable. Let them figure it out for themselves. Let them fail. It’s the only way we learn.”

In a town such as ours Jill points to the need for “fiscal autonomy.” She explains, “Our children may or may not get married and have children, in their 20’s or 30’s, or ever…Best practice is not to support their adult lifestyles unless they have special needs. Wean them off you financially asap. When we are not ATM’s, we are freer to love them.”

“If you have significant means,” Jill recommended, “Ideally support luxuries and emergencies when they are older, but not their lifestyles.” She tells of her daughter and son-in- law living on the west coast and her daughter calling once that they “wouldn’t be coming home for Christmas.” It wasn’t in their budget. “Do you remember luxuries and emergencies?” Jill reminded. “Well, coming home for Christmas might be a luxury for you, but it’s an emergency for me and your father.”

“In terms of communication,” she continues, “We can ask our adult kids for a weekly check-in call (it’s a courtesy). Let them tell you what they want to share. Keep it short. Make it fun to call you, not a duty call. You’re their cheerleader/ mentor/ adult friend, but unless you are ill or have extenuating circumstances, our adult children are not here to be our best friends, confidantes, and caregivers. Be grateful for minimal contact and you will likely get more.”

“Remember,” she tells us, “Unsolicited advice is usually received as criticism…If you offer unsolicited advice, your daughter hears, ‘Mom doesn’t think I’m competent…Only give advice if he/she pulls it out of you, or obviously, if there is imminent danger.”

“The ABC stool of parenting,” she explains, “has three legs – affirmation, boundaries, and consequences. A boundary without a consequence is not a boundary. Love has both boundaries and consequences…Most of the parenting issues I see as a counselor are frustrated parents who say they have boundaries, but they’re reluctant to put consequences in place. We need all three legs of the stool: affirmation, clear boundaries about what we expect when we are together, and explicit consequences when our boundaries are pushed. Contrary to what we fear, clear boundaries make us feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. All three legs of the stool are essential.”

And what do we do when our adult children are upset? “Validate their emotions rather than responding immediately to the issue. When Susie is upset about her boss or her kids or her husband, rather than trying to solve her problem, pause and validate her emotions.”

And we need to put our parenting focus “more on character and relationships more than competence and accomplishments…The pull of the world is to focus on accomplishments, but far more important is your focus on the values you hope your adult children will inculcate.”

And how do we assess that character and our relationships as parents? “Ask yourselves and your children as appropriate, ‘What are five things you hope people will say about you on your 80th birthday? It’s usually five things about character and relationships. That you were kind and generous. That you were a good mom or dad. That you helped people. These are the things that matter. Focusing on who your kids are – their character – and what you see in them that you admire, even if it’s very small, is the mustard seed that will help them flourish.”

“Finally,” she concludes, “Live your life in such a way that you hope your kids might want to emulate you…Our adult children’s choices often will not match our scripts, but their underlying values may resonate with ours if they see the fruits of the spirit in us – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control. There will be heartache along the way, but ultimately the best way to parent adult children is to be the best person we know how to be, faith-filled and trusting God.”

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