By Shannon White
Curiosity is an Essential Element in Healthy Relationships
My husband and I are about to begin a group at Round Hill Community Church to support couples. We are both seminary graduates, and while I went the route of ordination in parish ministry for the past 31 years, he took the path of being a psychoanalyst, and has worked with individuals, couples and groups for over 30 years.
We are still in the newlywed phase of our relationship. We met almost 5 years ago and have been married for just over 3 years. Both of us were married before, so we entered into our relationship keeping our eyes wide open. Our children are college aged and older, so we have been able to focus on our lives together as a couple, while leading our demanding, respective professions.
So, why all of this self-disclosure, especially in this venue? Because being in a committed relationship can be one of the most intriguing, exhilarating, painful, exasperating, self-revealing, exuberant, spiritually challenging and yet rewarding parts of the human experience.
When I first was dating my former husband in my early-thirty’s, a dear friend said, “Watch out. All of your ‘stuff’ is going to start coming up for you now.” She was right. Never before had I been so confronted with my own issues, most of which had originated from watching my parents during childhood. Faced with such a challenge, I went to work on myself, digging deep in therapy, attending self-help groups and eventually attending The Hoffman Institute, a week-long intensive program focusing on family of origin issues. Years later, after having been literally broken open, I was able to meet a true partner, and commit to and participate in a healthy coupleship.
Certainly, there are many people who have lived and loved in long-term relationships who could teach us all about how they have made it work. I hope some of them will be a part of this group we are forming. When my husband and I began talking about what quality he sees that helps couples he works with the most, the word he came up with was “curiosity.” He says, “Curiosity is an ingredient for a relationship to thrive. A simple response from one partner to another, such as ‘tell me more’ reflects: ‘I care, I value, I respect —I am present’ with you. Without curiosity negative behaviors can take hold such as undue criticisms, terse reactions, and defensiveness which can forebode the atrophy of connection and intimacy and progress to much more conflict.”
I agree. I have found the spiritual exercise of being “curious” is very helpful when interacting not only with my spouse but with myself and anyone else, for that matter. Replacing an “I wonder” instead of assuming that they are always “this way” or “that way,” keeps me open to considering something new.
Curiosity is an inherently spiritual and faithful quality as well, especially in times of struggle and conflict. As I read the interactions Jesus had with people he encountered, I experience someone who was not heavy handed, but someone who invited interaction, who asked questions, and who was curious about those whom he met. People, then, had the opportunity to respond.
In the Hebrew scriptures, Elijah had curiosity (1 Kings 19:9-13) when he encountered God in the wilderness. Amid great turmoil, he was about to give up, but God came to Elijah. Elijah experienced a great strong wind which broke great rocks down, and then an earthquake, and then a fire. Elijah stood still. Perhaps he was curious. Perhaps he asked, “What is happening right in front of me?” Instead of reacting, perhaps he stood still and was curious. And then the scripture says there was “a still, small voice” which asked him, “What are you doing here?”
If Elijah had been sidetracked by all of the drama, the real drama—the real life stuff–he would have missed the connection which was there for him with God, which showed him the way forward.
Sometimes, I get sidetracked when big emotions are expressed by others, including my spouse… or when my own big emotions sidetrack me, when all I want to do is to connect. If I am able to be curious with myself or with those around me, there is space to listen for the still small voice that’s there to promise a connection and a way forward.
Want to join us this month on September 18 from 4:30-6:30? We welcome all couples–married or not (LGBT inclusive); There will be childcare and dinner available. Please contact the church office no later than September 12 for more information.RSVP at church@roundhillcommunitychurch.org or 203-869-1091.
The Rev. Shannon White is the Pastor for Spiritual Development at Round Hill Community Church. Rev. White has been ordained for 31 years in the Presbyterian Church USA and has served in 4 churches in Westchester and Fairfield Counties. She is also the author of The Invisible Conversations with Your Aging Parents, and a former TV news reporter.
