To the Editor,
Domestic abuse comes in many forms. We know of physical abuse, which leaves evidence through bruises, cuts, concussions, broken bones and sometimes death. It is tragic. Equally heartbreaking and dangerous are other, lesser understood forms of domestic abuse that leave no visible proof. Emotional, verbal and financial abuses are insidious, cruel and destructive. Like physical abuse, they leave wounds that take a long time to heal. Sometimes they never fully heal. They cause PTSD, depression, serious self-esteem issues and can ruin innocent lives. They affect everyone in the household, regardless of who the intended target is. The people who inflict these types of abuses are walking among us. They are sitting next to you on the train, coaching your child’s team and volunteering in your community.
I am writing to all of the friends of the women who are living with this invisible abuse. They need you to understand and support them. (Please know that men are victims of abuse as well, but for this letter, only female victims are discussed).
First and foremost, believe your friend.
It is highly likely that her abuser is well liked by you, respected within the community, is successful at work and appears to be a loving and caring partner and father. This public display of dedication is false. The treatment of his loved ones at home is cruel, dangerous and held secret. It is sometimes hard to consider that the person you think you know is actually a con, a covert narcissist, a manipulator and/or a deeply disturbed person. You must believe your friend.
Do not question her change of heart.
If your friend goes from expressing her love and devotion for her partner, only to change course and tell you of abuse – do not question her. Emotional, verbal and financial abuse starts slowly and methodically so that she doesn’t know it is happening. The abuser is patient. He can spend years grooming his victim before taking full control of her life. He will cut her off from money, giving her just enough for basic needs, or less. He will dislike all of her friends (this includes you) and will limit her time with them. He will gaslight her to make her question her decisions, her memory and her sense of self. She knows she is in pain, but she is very good at hiding it. If she is lucky, she will come out of the fog long enough to recognize the abuse and seek help. She needs you to accept her, you just have to listen.
If she stays with her abuser, do not judge her.
Women, especially mothers, stay in their abusive relationships for a variety of reasons. She needs to protect her children by safeguarding them from the abuser, often times lying to take the blame so the kids aren’t the target. He will threaten to take the children away from her if she leaves. She may not be ready for the unknown or is overwhelmed with feelings of vulnerability. He has withheld money from her so she has nowhere to go. He has most certainly stripped her of her self-confidence and self-esteem and she doesn’t believe she is justified to leave. She is already feeling vulnerable and ashamed. Whatever she decides to do, respect her decision and do not judge.
Use your common sense.
Beware of the use of the word “crazy.” When a man tells you that his partner is “crazy,” use your common sense. You know her – does she seem “crazy”? If the answer is no, then you are probably being manipulated to advance the efforts of the abuser. Beware of stories about the victim that seem inconsistent with what you know of her. That may seem hypocritical, as I am asking you to do just that when considering the man as an abuser, but the truth is, the vast majority of women do not lie about being abused. Again, use your common sense.
DO NOT expose the victim.
As with all types of abuse, a very dangerous time for the victim is when the abuse is exposed. If your friend confides in you about any type of abuse, please do not break her confidence. She is already putting herself in jeopardy by talking to you. If you reveal her to the abuser, you are helping him while putting your friend’s emotional and/or physical safety in danger. Encourage your friend to seek help, but PLEASE do not report what you have learned back to the abuser. If you are truly uncomfortable with the situation, do nothing and stay silent. It is safer than exposing her.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Do not excuse yourself from this epidemic as you may unwittingly be a part of it.
This letter was submitted anonymously to protect myself and my children. I am a Greenwich resident and mother. I cheer with you on the fields, I volunteer in our community and I ride next to you on the train. And this is why my domestic violence must be silent.
Publisher’s note: The Sentinel has published with the understanding that the author must remain anonymous.
