By Icy Frantz
Have you ever noticed that much of life happens in the meantime? What exactly is the “Meantime”? It’s that time, unrestricted and often much longer than expected, that we live our lives waiting for something bigger to happen. The bigger is a goal or a material object, a new job or school, or maybe meeting the love of our life, or something for which we are hoping, and it may come, but we spend the majority of our life in the moments before it does. I would argue that there is great value in these moments and that if we learn to embrace “in the meantime”, we will have discovered the true meaning of life. Ok, maybe that’s a little dramatic, but it’s not too farfetched to say that there is significant growth and joy to be had as we wait patiently, and live our lives in the dawn before the sun rises.
As the mother of four, three living outside of our home and one who has been preparing to launch since the day she was born, I am currently surrounded by many newly minted empty nesters. I hate that term because of its negative implications. Empty just sounds so empty, and cold and hollow and bare when in fact, it is less about empty and more about new beginnings and rebranding.
Over the last few months, I have gotten to know and admire a woman who is a newly minted “empty nester”. Her only child has just started at boarding school and she has come face to face with free time, a lot of it. Whip smart and tech savvy, my friend is not yet ready to jump into a career with little or no flexibility. In her heart, she is still Mom, a role she loves, and wants to be available in case her daughter needs her, and so she has been helping me. I am not tech savvy and boy, is she teaching me a thing or two. And over the course of our work together she has shared with me some of her incredible ideas and career dreams and they are exciting and awesome and require 150% of her attention. I hope that she will pursue them, all of them, when the time is right, but in the meantime, I am the beneficiary of her wonderful gifts and her new beginning.
In our house, we have many discussions centered around school attire and I think I am not alone. Along these lines, there are discussions around what is appropriate for a 13-year-old to own in her wardrobe and what is not. When I was 13, I was obsessed with Tretorns, a white sneaker with a colorful V on the side and I clearly remember begging my mother for a pair, I got them for Christmas, in the meantime I wore Keds. Today, in much of Fairfield County, the stakes are slightly higher. Our daughter is obsessed with Golden Gooses.
For those of you not in the know, Golden Gooses are really cute sneakers that cost about the same price as a car…almost. They cost more money than our daughter made as an assistant camp counselor this past summer so she can’t afford them without my help. And, I am not helping.
No Judgement taken on anyone who owns Golden Gooses and certainly no offense to the company, but I can’t seem to find one good reason for our 13-year-old to own them. So, she is trying to earn the money or wait for Christmas, in the meantime, she is wearing an old pair of sneakers and is vaguely satisfied for now.
I have a sweet tooth. In fact, I think I must have a few because I am hopelessly addicted to sweets. Just today, excited to see candy corn at the grocery store, I served it at a breakfast meeting, and I am the first in line for cake at any birthday party. A couple of times a year, I go cold turkey and give up sugar. No candy Corn. No cake. And I feel healthy. I drop a few pounds. I exercise more. I eat more salads. My entire diet seems to be transformed by simply denying myself the sweets that I love. So, it goes, shortly after Halloween, I will give up sweets but, in the meantime, another piece of cake please.
That time before something bigger happens is important and we need to choose to accept and value it or live a life full of frustration.
Because sometimes the bigger happens. And sometimes it does not. I had a friend in my 20’s who used to say at the start of any road trip or adventure, “If I had to turn back now it would all be worth it.” And that statement always made an impression on me. My friend always knew that sometimes in the meantime is enough.
Accepting does not preclude us from working towards the bigger; the coveted job, the better diet, the house with a mud room, it just means we can actively appreciate the now, while planning and working towards our goals and dreams.
And sometimes, in the meantime becomes our dream. I remember hearing a story about a friend’s son who was interested in a job in finance. After graduating from college, he interviewed, and he interviewed, but to no avail. Eventually, he took a job because he needed to earn some money. It wasn’t in a field in which he was interested but it paid him a salary. So, he took the job in the meantime, and continued to keep his feelers out for any available job in finance.
Time passed and he began to love this job. He loved the company and the people who worked there and he learned, and he was promoted. Last I heard he was still there and happy, in a field he had never considered and never thought he would stay, but simply only visit in the meantime.
There are many items on my bucket list. I would love to travel, write a book, spend more time in New York City, hike The Camino de Santiago, do a yoga headstand, own at least one perfectly behaved dog, clean my desk, go back to school and give up sweets. Some of these are far away dreams that I keep in my head or on a yellow sticky that I can’t find on my messy desk. Some of them are easier to obtain. In the meantime, life is good and full and joyful. I will slowly work my way towards these aspirations. Tonight, when we are eating dinner, I will appreciate the food in front of me and not just the dessert that’s ahead of me. And I will search for that joy even while debating again the pros and cons of owning Golden Gooses with our 13-year-old daughter.
