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Middle School Column: It Actually Makes Perfect Sense

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By Gordon Beinstein

Gordon Beinstein

The start of a new school year brings opportunities for your child to try out for a sports team, sit for a placement exam, audition for a role in a school play, etc.  Some of your children will undoubtedly make the team or get the role of their choice, others will not. I want to speak to you regarding your parental responsibilities if your child doesn’t get placed on the team or in the class that you desire. 

First, as a former principal friend of mine often noted ‘there is no worse judge of a child’s ability than a parent.’

At first, this statement might seem harsh, but when you take the time to reflect, it makes perfect sense. When evaluating talent, be it athletic, academic, dramatic, musical, etc. one needs to be cold and analytical in order to be fair. A parent, no matter how well-meaning, cannot be that. You are thinking with your heart, not your head, as you should.

You know the growth your child has made since the first time he hit the ball off the tee and chased after it rather than run to first base. Or when she first picked up that instrument and honked away so badly you were sure it was the mating call of the Canadian Goose.  These experiences the past dozen years have shaped the way you view your child’s talent. The coach / teacher / director isn’t jaded by this. They only know what they see and hear in the limited time they have, and base their decision, agree or disagree, on their own expectations. Trust me when I tell you, that in middle school and high school, there is no conspiracy; No master plan to keep your child down.  The best talent, as viewed by the coach, gets the part. You may question their judgment, but not their integrity. You are entitled to an explanation, but I suspect being told that others were better will provide little comfort.

If your child does not make the team/ class/ cast etc., you, as a parent need to be there to support your child. Take him/her out for ice cream (don’t skimp on the sprinkles) and tell him/her you are proud, regardless of the outcome. Do not let your personal disappointment in the decision interfere with this. The last thing you want to do is to speak ill of the decision-maker or of the process in front of your child. You don’t want them to take away that the world is unfair and that adults have ulterior motives. 

In a culture where everyone makes the team and gets a trophy, we have failed to prepare our children to handle disappointment. This rejection might be the first time for many of them. It won’t be the last. How you, the adult, manages these situations will set your child up to better handle the myriad of rejections to come. (Take it from a guy who knows!).

Gordon Beinstein is currently in his 32nd year as a middle school educator (and he still can’t get out of 8th grade!).  This is his seventh year as the principal of Western Middle School and was recently named the 2019 Connecticut Association of Schools Principal of the Year.

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