By Bobbi Eggers
Greenwich is a wonderful but complicated place to raise our kids among Pinot Grigio playdates, nursery school SAT tutors and children who learn entitlement at an early age. Ultimately, we all want to raise interesting, successful people who partner well in their adult life. So as they leave flip flops in the closet and put on their back to school clothes this week, I have some thoughts to help you navigate this choppy terrain, Greenwich Mom to Greenwich Mom.
I have been a mom, step mom or “helped to raise” eight kids. I can’t say I’ve seen it all, but I have seen a lot of what ultimately works and doesn’t work and God knows, I have made mistakes, too.
Be authentic, relax and be true to yourself. Be happy, healthy, and strong. Don’t worry about being judged. Insecurity never works so relax and know you are loved by the most important people.
Don’t totally surrender your personal time to your kids. Driving to high level athletic competitions can become who you are. “The (insert sport here) Mom.” You have to love the activity along with them. My friend Jane says, “My kids didn’t do hockey because Mommy doesn’t drive to Canada.” There may come a time, 6 years into horseback riding or ice skating lessons, when the teenage years kick in and they don’t want to do that other sport anymore, no matter what college it will get them into. Just make sure it was an “investment” for your happiness, too.
Mommy Mentors: Your Mom friends are great, but they are in the same boat as you and they haven’t done it either. Love them, cry with them, play with them, but always have one mom friend who is just slightly older (not your mom’s age) who has been through it just a few steps ahead of you. She’ll tell you what is important, what to avoid, and the best SAT tutor in town.
Working: It’s never going to be balanced, it’s never perfect for any of us. All we can do is our very best and be in the moment (easier said than done.) I was 3,000 miles away shooting a commercial on a rooftop when my nanny called to quit. Three toddlers at home and a husband traveling on business in Russia. It took me a long time to figure out how both worlds could co-exist. Not sure I ever really got it right, but we have survived.
Volunteer work: If you’re not working full time, use your talent and socialize, whether it’s your kids’ school or a non-profit. You’ll meet interesting people. It’s a fulfilling opportunity and fewer people are doing it now. They need you. It’s important for your kids to see you giving back.
Dioramas, science projects and other homework: Yup, guilty as charged. I made the snake with my daughter in the science class diorama project. It was over the top. She still reminds me about it. It’s a mistake. Plus, the teachers know. Who are we kidding? Help, but don’t do it for them. They need to learn to stumble in smaller experiences in order to learn how to cope with life. Children need to learn resiliency or they may have terrible anxiety later on. My friend, Lin’s phone rang mid-morning on a school day- the phone call we all get from time to time. “Mom, I left my lunch on the kitchen counter.” “Yes, you did. I’ll put it in the frig and you’ll have it for tomorrow.” He never forgot the lunch again. Start small. It matters.
Take them to museums even if they’re silly museums. Some studies say one of the common denominators of many gifted students is that they went to museums with their parents from an early age. Start small so it’s part of their normal. I am surprised how many of my teenager’s friends I have taken to art museums for their first time. That’s sad.
Boundaries and routines helps your sanity and theirs. Tantrums– because you’re talking to your friends– are annoying for everyone. Giving them age-appropriate choices empowers them, helps them not to act out, and makes your life more manageable. In my experience, the kids I know that had few boundaries didn’t do all that well.
Partnership: The amount of love you can feel for your children is indescribable but don’t let it take priority over your partner. Carve out personal time, talk and be romantic. Treating someone with dignity and respect is the right thing to do and teaches your children how to be good partners, too.
So back to school, back to Greenwich Mom life. Enjoy the year.
