By Drew Williams
The author Anne Lamott wrote, “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.” I think on one level we know that is true, and yet forgiveness can be a real struggle. With great honesty, Philip Yancey, the American Christian author, confessed, “When I feel wronged, I can contrive a hundred reasons against forgiveness. He needs to learn a lesson. I don’t want to encourage irresponsible behavior. I will let her stew for a while; it will do her good. She needs to learn that actions have consequences. I was the party wronged — it’s not up to me to make the first move. How can I forgive if he’s not even sorry?”
And yet unforgiveness is a bitterness of heart that makes us physically and emotionally sick.
This will manifest in many ways: anger issues, high blood pressure, irritability, sleeplessness, obsession with getting even, depression, isolation, a constant negative perspective and the nagging torment of generally feeling unwell.
In contrast, there is a place of quiet rest near the heart of God. There is a place under the shadow of the Almighty. There is a place at the Cross of Christ where mercy triumphs over judgment and we can know freedom. It is the place of grace and mercy. That sounds a whole lot better than imbibing rat poison, so how do we get there?
Perhaps it would be helpful to set out what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not approving what was done. Neither is forgiveness justifying or excusing what has been done. Consider Moses and the account in Numbers 14 when God tests Moses’ heart by offering him a new deal. Undoubtedly, the Israelites have been stubborn and unteachable. Their complaining has reached new heights, and some are even talking about stoning Moses and Aaron, the men appointed by God to lead them. The new deal begins with a proposal that God will wipe this bunch of backbiting moaners from the face of the earth and start again with a new nation. But Moses rejects God’s offer and intercedes for the people. In his prayer, Moses does not excuse or seek to justify their behavior. He does not say, “Listen, God, they have had a tough time. They are emotionally and psychologically scarred by their ordeal as slaves in Egypt. We’ve been out here in the desert for more years than we care to remember. They have had too much sand in their sandwiches…’’ Instead he appeals to God’s mercy: “In accordance with Your great love, forgive the sin of these people, just as You have pardoned them from the time they left Egypt until now.” (Numbers 14:19) Moses passes the test and God forgives the people.
Forgiveness is not denying what was done. Denying that an offense took place is very often unconscious. It is often painful to face the facts, and at times denial seems to be the easy way out. But repression cannot remove the wound. Even when the wound is pushed down into the cellar of our subconscious mind, it will surface in another way, such as high blood pressure, nervousness or even a heart attack. Forgiveness is not carried out by repressing the offensive event. True forgiveness can only be offered after we have come to terms with reality and we can admit, “This person actually did this to me, and it hurt me very much.”
Forgiveness is not forgetting what was done. To literally “forgive and forget” is not realistic.
It is usually impossible to forget meaningful events in our lives, be they positive or negative. Love does not erase our memories. It is actually a greater demonstration of love when we are fully aware of what occurred and yet we still choose to forgive. Our heavenly Father does not literally forget our sins. He chooses to overlook them. He chooses not to remember so as not to hold our sins against us.
Forgiveness is not necessarily reconciliation. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Reconciliation implies a restoration of the relationship. This is not always possible. Consider Jesus. He was not reconciled with His accusers and torturers when He said, from the Cross, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” (Luke 23:34).
So, what is forgiveness? Truly it is a matter of the heart. Forgiveness must take place in the heart or it is worthless. If forgiveness takes place in the heart, you don’t need to know whether the person who hurt you will be reconciled to you. If you have forgiven the other person in your heart, you can still have the inner victory. Many people we must forgive do not know or refuse to believe that what they have done is wrong! Forgiveness is to look within ourselves and discover an absence of bitterness. Bitterness is gone when there is no desire to get even or punish the offender, when you do or say nothing that would hurt the other person’s reputation or future, and when you can truly wish the person well in all he or she seeks to do. That is the absence of bitterness. And relinquishing bitterness is an open invitation for the Holy Spirit to bless you with His peace, His joy and His freedom.
As love is very often a choice, so is forgiveness. It is seldom a feeling, at least at first. It begins as an act of the will and with prayer (often between gritted teeth, if we’re honest). Jesus was asked by one of His disciples, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”(Matthew 18:21) Jesus’ response was surely not what he wanted to hear: “…not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” (verse 22) In other words, don’t try to put a number on it. We are to keep on forgiving until the last vestiges of bitterness are dredged from our hearts.
Forgiveness is also about choosing to keep no record of wrongs. We are told, “Love keeps no record of wrongs…” (1 Corinthians 13:5d) When we develop forgiveness as a lifestyle, we learn to erase the wrong, we choose to forget, rather than filing it away to bring out on another occasion! If you truly forgive you are not going to gossip about your offender. That does not preclude talking through the situation in therapy or counseling which may be a very necessary step. But talking freely with others about how you have been wounded with the purpose of hurting someone’s reputation or credibility is a form of punishing them. It is important that we allow God to examine us in this area (“Father, how much of what I am about to say or do is just an attempt to punish?”). If punishment is our motive, we are not yet in the place of peace that forgiveness holds out to us.
In God, even in the worst situations, we can break free of unforgiveness and begin to live again. Consider Tessie, a very vivacious lady who has given me permission to share her story. Tessie is a police officer with a strong faith. As she was praying one day, she realized that her husband was having an affair with her daughter-in-law. You can imagine the total devastation. She confronted her husband. He broke down and confessed his betrayal. The next day, her husband had a near fatal fall and was paralyzed from the neck down. Tessie was left with the responsibility of caring for him. It was necessary for her to bathe him and feed him. Her family and her colleagues in the police department strongly counseled her to leave her husband. Her friends in her church implored her to leave her husband. In desperation, Tessie cried out to God for the strength to forgive. She found in her heart the resolve to make the choice to forgive him. Her friends were appalled. Her colleagues shook their heads. Her family and her son would not support her in this decision. She had almost no support from others. But, in God’s strength, this was the choice she made. And her husband was healed.
I met Tessie about six months after this first occurred. For her to talk about her husband’s betrayal was still very raw. She was still very wounded, but in her heart she was sticking with her choice. Sometime later, I was with Tessie in a prayer teaching session and a man who had never met Tessie and knew nothing of her story prayed for her. To this day, I remember with astonishment the words he found within him to pray over her. Without knowledge of her past or the rawness of her heart, he prayed: “There have been some truly terrible events that have come against you and your family. The betrayal has been so great that it has almost torn you and your family apart. The Lord wants you to know that because of you and the choice you have made to forgive, your family will be healed, indeed, generations will reap the blessing of your choice to forgive. The poison that has and would have continued to seep through your family and through the generations has been stopped. You and your children and your children’s children will be free.”
Scott Peck wrote, “The healing of evil…scientifically or otherwise…can be accomplished only by the love of individuals. A willing sacrifice is required.…I do not know how this occurs. But I know that it does. Evil is absorbed here like blood on a sponge; it loses its power and goes no further.”
Forgiveness is seldom easy. Oftentimes, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered to forgive the one who inflicted it. And yet, there can be no peace without forgiveness. Christian and activist Corrie Ten Boom reminds us, “Forgiveness is the key which unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hatred. It breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness.” And after all, when we have experienced undeserved grace and know that we have been forgiven, we find within us a deposit of God’s mercy that makes us a lot more forgiving of others.
Drew Williams is Senior Pastor of Trinity Church. Trinity Sunday services are at 9:15 and 11 a.m. at GHS. Visit trinitychurch.life
