“One of the best things we can do is believe that our kids are capable and competent, strong and resourceful.”
By Emily Segal
It’s easy to feel overwhelmed when I think about the challenges teenagers face these days. When I first started as a mental health clinician with Family Centers at Stamford High School in 2001, I thought it was hard to be an adolescent back then. Today, many of the things that have made life harder for us as adults are really tough on our children as well. I recently asked a group of students what worried them on a daily basis. The most common answers? School shootings, cyberbullying and not being able to support themselves after high school. That’s serious stuff.
When I meet with students, I can see the weight of the world on their shoulders. But my job is not to add to these adolescents’ stress. My job as a mental health clinician—and as a parent, when I’m at home—is to help kids navigate difficult paths, build confidence in their own ability to handle challenges, and imagine a brighter future than the present sometimes allows.
Our job is not to spare our kids from challenges or make them easy to overcome. One of the best things we can do is believe that they are capable and competent, strong and resourceful. If we believe it, they may believe it as well.
What does that look like for parents, especially at the beginning of the school year when change is in the air, stress levels are rising and self-esteem may be taking a hit?
I remember asking the elementary school principal to let my then-7-year-old daughter switch classes so that she could be with her friends. I didn’t want her to feel lonely or sad. He switched her that year. And the next year. And the next year.
What an opportunity to struggle through a tough challenge I denied my daughter, wanting to protect her from bad feelings. How much tougher it was to deal with social situations when mom wasn’t able to influence the school principal. I didn’t trust that my daughter could do it herself. But kids usually can. More often than they—or we—think.
What can we do to help?
- Make time to listen and hear what your kids are saying. Many kids go to therapy because they need someone to listen to them, not jump in with solutions, reassure away their concerns, or minimize their feelings. Let them talk, express their emotions and opinions. Listen and try not to judge.
- Help them understand that things take time. Resolutions aren’t immediate. Sometimes we need to live with discomfort. When facing a problem with a friend, a teacher, a difficult school subject, remind them that finding answers takes time. It’s the process by which we grapple with the problem that builds character, resilience and strength.
- Remind them that they don’t need to have everything figured out. I’ve heard ninth graders worry that they don’t know what they want to do with their lives when they graduate, as though they are already behind. Adolescence is a time for exploring interests, making mistakes and learning from them, and figuring out who you are and who you want to become. Uncertainty is part of that process.
- Every once in a while, you’ll need to step in when it seems your child can’t go it alone. Take your child seriously if they describe feelings of despair or intense sadness, if they can’t bring themselves to go to school, or if they’re isolating themselves or sleeping a lot. Those are some red flags. It’s at times like these, when your child is really struggling, that it’s important to go back to #1: listen without judgment, ask questions gently and offer unconditional support.
And know that there is help available for you and your child: 911 for emergencies, 211 for mobile crisis support, 988 for suicidal thoughts, and Family Centers’ School-Based Health Centers at participating public schools in Greenwich and Stamford.
For more than 130 years, Family Centers has served residents of lower Fairfield County by bringing education, health, and human services together to help children, adults, and families thrive. Family Centers makes it easier to find services and support in one place because people rarely have just one need.
For additional information, visit: familycenters.org
Emily Segal, LCWS, is the Director of Adolescent Behavioral Health at Family Centers’ School Based Health Centers.
