Column: Focus on Breast Cancer

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How you can help when a friend is seriously ill.

By Dale Atkins, Ph.D.

For many of us, being supportive to a friend who is seriously ill can send us into a tailspin. Not just because we are concerned about our friend’s health, but because we often are not sure what to say. Fearful that we will do or say something inappropriate, some of us go silent. Each of us is different and deals will illness in our own particular way. Below are a few suggestions that have helped some people in the past. Perhaps there are a few that resonate with you.

Although your feelings, experiences, and responses to what your friend is going through are important and worth your consideration, it is essential to remember is that your friend is the one in pain, so try to focus on what she needs.  It may surprise you to learn that what she needs, most often, is someone to listen sympathetically and empathically, thereby sharing the burden of her suffering, and helping to save her sanity.

TAKE YOUR CUES FROM YOUR FRIEND. Help/support comes in lots of different ways. A “sit by the beach” can do a world of good. So can going out for coffee. A movie may be good—unless your friend is immune suppressed—in which case bring over the popcorn and call it a NETFLIX night.

NEVER DISAPPEAR. Reach out. If your friend isn’t up to talking or visiting in person, that’s okay…don’t take it personally. Just don’t go away. Now is the time to pop into the greeting card shop and check in via e mail, text, or a hand written note of encouragement.

RECOVERY TAKES TIME. Let your friend know you are there and will stay for the long haul. A few months into it, when everyone else resumes their normal lives, THAT’S when visits and conversations may be needed most. Your friend’s dog still needs to be walked, her laundry still needs to be done, and dinner still needs to be delivered. Often, people going through cancer treatment feel LESS WELL as they move along the road to recovery, until the tide turns and they begin to feel better.

BE ENCOURAGING. Sometimes your friend won’t believe she can “do it” (whatever “it” is.) Your role is to REMIND her that she can and she will!  Even when she doesn’t believe it herself. We all need to be “held” by our friends…physically and metaphorically. She may be a woman who responds well to inspirational stories of others who have dealt with challenges. Or maybe she would benefit from a link to a quieting meditation, visualization, or healing prayer.

RESPECT PRIVACY. It is highly likely that your friend does not want to be the subject of gossip. If she asks you to inform others about her well being, be sure the message you are putting out there is what she is comfortable with you sharing.

EVERYONE WANTS TO LAUGH… and needs to laugh as often as possible… at the right time. Take your cue from her. Never underestimate the overall healing power of laughter.

LISTEN. LISTEN. LISTEN. No judgment. Let the person vent if, and when, they need to. Listen through the anger, the disappointment, the fear, the worry, the confusion, the sadness…and the triumphs!

RESIST SHARING NEGATIVE STORIES about someone you know (or whom you have heard about) who was/is ill. Your friend is likely worried enough about what is happening to her and your stories will not help her to keep hopeful, positive, in her healing.

YOUR INFORMATION about “the best doctor” or “the best hospital” may or may not be appropriate to share. If asked for your guidance, go for it! You may be among those who are enlisted to help research care options. If your friend has already decided on a doctor or a hospital, or an approach, (or has been through her course of treatment), it won’t be at all helpful to imply that she did not see the right doctor or go to the right hospital (even if you are SURE that YOUR sources are the best.)

FORGET ABOUT BEING RIGHT. Forget about being the wise advisor. Remember how important it is to demonstrate your kindness and concern through empathy. Support her.

DON’T TAKE OVER. Your friend, especially as she begins to feel better, needs to feel useful, important, and valuable. Even if she is in a weakened state, ask if she can suggest ways you can make her life a bit easier rather than assuming you know just what she needs at this time. Since much of your friend’s life feels as if it is out of her control, try to comply if she asks you to do something. Don’t argue when she wants you to take a certain route as you drive her to her treatment even if you think it’s a longer drive.

HELP HER TO LIMIT CHOICES: Your friend has A LOT of important decisions to make (often about things she is just learning about and likely does not feel very confident) so asking her to make MORE decisions may be burdensome. Instead of asking “What do you want for dinner?” Try, “Which sounds better for tonight? Italian or Thai?”

KNOW YOUR OWN LIMITS: Sometimes we forget that we need to take time for ourselves to refill our own reservoirs or do any of the myriad things we need to do. So sometimes, when a friend asks, we may need
to say “NO.”

BE AVAILABLE WITH YOUR OWN HELPFUL INFORMATION: Just understand you may not be sharing it! If something worked for you when you were ill, let the person know IF they want to hear about it. Don’t force anything on anyone.

OFFER TO SAY A PRAYER WITH OR SHARE A PRAYER THAT YOU HAVE FOUND HELPFUL WITH YOUR FRIEND if this is something that feels right to you and may be helpful to her. Sometimes illness connects people to themselves and to others in a spiritual way.

DON’T TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY: There is A LOT going on… it is likely NOT about you. Dealing with cancer takes a lot out of your friend so give her some slack. For now, you need to take extra good care of yourself too, so your own personal reservoir is full.

BE PRESENT WHEN YOU ARE WITH YOUR FRIEND: Focus on THIS time together.  Breathe deeply as you center yourself and really be in this moment.  Allow whatever emotion you are experiencing to just be what It is.  Try not to judge what you are feeling. Just be aware of it.

OFFER SINCERE COMPLIMENTS: Let your friend know that you admire her, that you value her resilience, her sense of humor during such a trying time, or whatever it is you would like her to know. You can “tell” her directly in person, or write your thoughts in a letter (that she can read and re-read.)

INSPIRATIONAL STORIES can be helpful… for some people… not for everyone. If not for her then perhaps for you. 

CAREGIVERS NEED RECOGNITION (and BREAKS TOO). Helping them out, giving them relief or respite; being there for them and encouraging them to take care of themselves, helps the entire family go along this journey.

ALLOW YOURSELF MOMENTS TO FEEL THE SADNESS THAT COMES ALONG WITH KNOWING A FRIEND IS ILL: Sometimes, after you visit or speak on the phone, or receive a text or e mail you may feel that we need time to process our own responses. Give yourself time to experience these moments as a gift to yourself. Sometimes friends feel helpless as they witness someone they care for go through a difficult time. Regularly practicing a “Lovingkindness Meditation” can be very helpful.

Dale Atkins, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist with more than forty-five years of experience as a relationship expert, focusing on families, couples, parenting, aging well, caregiving, transitions, managing stress and maintaining balance in one’s life. An author of seven books, co-author of “The Kindness Advantage”, and many articles, chapters, and journals for popular and professional audiences, Dr. Atkins is a recurrent guest expert in the media, appearing on NBC-TV’s “The Today Show” and CNN’s Headline News (HLN). Dr. Atkins has a private psychology practice in New York City, offers seminars and workshops to businesses and organizations around the world, and is an active community volunteer.

With our thanks, courtesy of the: Breast Cancer Alliance

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