By Icy Frantz
Cleaning up my daughter’s room this morning, I came across a blue sparkly journal from 2013. Being the curious mom that I am and rationalizing that the statute of limitations had expired, I opened it to the first page to find out what my then 7 year old had written, and I quote exactly:
Grateful for….
go to staples
go to cvs to get walkie talkies after too shots at the doctors office
play trick on my brother
And although I was happy to know that she has a place in her life for gratitude, the content of the list made me realize that there is work to be done here.
Not too long ago, in what now seems like another lifetime, I was a struggling, post teen, to try to make sense out of life. I think that’s the best way to put it. A wise person encouraged me to start making a gratitude list at night before I went to bed. And I remember grappling with what to put on my list – a good cup of coffee was as far as I could get at first and then slowly my list got longer and deeper.
My thinking changed and I grew up. And now, our children are the (not always enthusiastic) recipients of the same advice when they have had a tough day; didn’t make a team; got a bad grade or were left off a birthday party list. I have tried to help them start their own mental gratitude list. Go to CVS; a good cup of coffee – this is a good place to start.
So as we head into the holidays and more precisely Thanksgiving, my favorite, I continue trying to understand gratitude and its place in our lives. Robert Emmons, a leading expert on the topic, offers two components to gratitude:
It is the affirmation of goodness
We recognize that the source of this goodness is outside of ourselves
But what truly strikes a chord with me is his concept that gratitude inspires us not only to appreciate gifts but to repay them (or pay them forward).
As I look around at my life today, it is easy to feel grateful. In response to the statement “life is not fair,” a friend of mine typically will say “that’s right, life is not fair and we are, in fact, on the good side of fair.” This is how I feel on most days. I have been dealt a very good hand of cards and although it has not been without challenges (we all have them) in the grand scheme of things, I have been lucky and am grateful.
But then there are days when, for whatever reason, I wake up and I do not feel grateful. Schools starts too darn early. The driver in front of me is driving too slowly. I got a crack on the screen of my iphone. And then maybe a little deeper than that, I feel hurt by a family member. I am worried about one of our children. I feel tired and overwhelmed. Ultimately, the days I lose my grip on gratitude are days that are tougher and sadder and harder.
When I do feel grateful, it is difficult to simply sit back and quietly feel grateful. And the magical piece is that the more grateful you feel, the more you want to share that feeling; the more you want to sing out loud to the radio (much to your ten year olds dismay) or dance a little and smile a little and try in some small way to make someone else’s day just a little bit better. Or try in some big way to change the world.
As we mature we are able to feel gratitude for not simply the good that comes our way as in a trip to CVS or a good cup of coffee but we feel gratitude for others, for relationships and for good that happens in our community or beyond.
A few weeks ago, my father passed away after spending a month in the hospital. For my family this is a profound loss. For me, it is a loss of a relationship often taken for granted and one that never reached its potential but influenced my life in so many ways. In the last month, I have been in awe of those at Greenwich Hospital who cared so beautifully for my father and I have felt so much love from the incredible people in my life. In addition, I have been truly touched by those who have taken the time to share with me a story or memory about my father. I have appreciated the emails and the notes and the hugs. And for all of this, I am grateful.
And to my Dad and all of you, Happy Thanksgiving and thank you.
