By Richard S. DenUyl, Jr.
Sentinel Columnist
The 2016 presidential election has been, and will continue to be, the most uncivilized in history, leaving our country more divided than ever. What happened? What has changed? Two things come to mind that are subtly connected. First, we seem to have forgotten that what made our country great, and continues to make it great, is the belief in the common good. The Apostle Paul defined it perfectly: “Let each of you look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others.” Second, we seem to have lost the art of responsible dialogue where neighbors with differing opinions can respectfully engage in conversation and still be friends. Instead, we agree not to talk politics in polite company, which continues to erode our core principle, the common good.
In his thoughtful book “The Vanishing Neighbor,” Marc J. Dunkelman invites us to look at our life as a series of concentric circles. Our inner circle consists of our close family and friends, people with whom we share the same beliefs. Our outer circle consists of our hundreds of Facebook friends who continually receive our thumbs-up because they too share our same beliefs. Our middle circle relationships are different. They consist of the people who compose our civic and religious groups, many of whom do not share our same beliefs. Sadly middle circle relationships are eroding in our society. And that’s too bad because, according to Dunkelman, middle circle relationships help people become skilled at responsible deliberation. For example, the guy sitting next to you in church may not agree with you that the congregation should adopt a Syrian refugee family and you do not agree with him that the sanctuary needs new carpet. However, for the sake of the common good, for the sake of civility you work it out and move forward.
My first lesson in concentric circles and civility was in Kindergarten. I learned about it from a very wise teacher who, three times a week, would gather a group of five-year-olds together and teach us how to square dance. It didn’t make any difference who was arguing with who on the playground. Nobody got to choose sides like in gym class. Popularity and politics, race and socioeconomic status were all completely irrelevant. Rather, the instant our teacher placed that needle on the vinyl record and began calling, we immediately transcended our difference and became a community. Like it or not we all had to humble our selves by bowing to our neighbors. And most importantly, like it or not, we all had to circle right and left. Sometimes this took place when the inner circle moved right and the outer circle moved left, emphasizing the beauty of diversity. At the same time there were moments in the dance when we all held hands tightly and became one big circle, all of us moving right and then left together.
If I were the newly elected President, the first thing I would do is host a gigantic square dance for Congress. I would make it a point to pair Nancy Pelosi with Paul Ryan and Elizabeth Warren and Ted Cruz. Now that would be a sight to behold! I would delight in seeing them hold hands and watching their faces as they display a mixture of astonishment and laughter while circling right and left together.
And somewhere, across the ravages of time, my kindergarten teacher would be looking down from heaven with a big grin on her face. Today this is my vision. This is my prayer for democracy and civility in America. In the words of John Michael Montgomery, “Life’s a dance. You learn as you go. Sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow.”
The Rev. Richard S. DenUyl, Jr. is senior pastor of The First Congregational Church in Old Greenwich.
